Doing it Solo
I’ve had a best friend for as long as I can remember.
Growing up, my childhood best friend and I were attached at the hip. We wouldn’t go anywhere if the other person wasn’t going to be there. Despite being quite independent in essentially every other aspect of my life, there has always been something so uniquely comforting to me about having your person.
A shoulder to cry on, a reality check when I get tunnel vision, or making me laugh so hard my stomach hurts — I don’t know where I’d be without my best friends. I hope you’re thinking of someone as you’re reading this, or that you have the opportunity to meet people who make you feel this way (maybe even through WIB!).
As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve found that there is one caveat to having people who make you feel so comfortable: it becomes very easy to depend on them for that comfort. While I would love to pack my best friends in a bag and bring them with me everywhere, it inevitably becomes harder and harder to coordinate schedules and you can sometimes end up pursuing different interests and paths. At some point, waiting until someone else becomes available can quietly turn into waiting to live your own life.
Whatever the case may be, you’ll find that being able to enjoy your own solitude and the ability to rely on yourself becomes more and more important. This is why it is crucial to hone in on the skill of doing it solo.
For me, that realization came through travel.
A few years ago, I travelled to Europe with a friend, and before I had even made it back home, I was already thinking about my next trip. Except, I didn’t book it until years later. I made loose plans with friends and found myself waiting for our schedules to align. It started to feel like there was an itch I couldn’t scratch because I was under the impression that I wasn’t capable of doing it alone. At one point, I finally realized my desire to go had become stronger than my desire for the comfort of having someone there with me. Even when I ended up having an opportunity for someone to join me, I found myself genuinely excited by the idea of experiencing it on my own – so I did!
When I told people I was planning to travel to Europe alone, a lot of the responses I got were some variation of, “ I don’t know if I could ever do that”. When I asked people why, the answer was usually pretty simple: “I’d be too scared”.
Of course, there are legitimate safety concerns that come with travelling alone, especially as a woman. However, I found that people generally weren’t referring to that aspect, but rather to the thought of feeling uncomfortable, lonely, or having nobody familiar to fall back on. Travelling alone, especially to bigger cities, tends to make people feel small, which can understandably be uncomfortable. I want you to know, though, that one of the most valuable feelings I’ve experienced while travelling alone was feeling small. Now you may be wondering, “Carol, why would I WANT to feel small?”
Think about this: the version of you that you bring to a foreign country is a version of yourself that exists outside of the roles you play at home. You as a student, you as a daughter or son, you as a new intern trying to find your place, you as a girlfriend or boyfriend – you disconnect from real life for a moment, and are put into situations that ultimately force you to break out of your shell. I found that surprisingly liberating.
I can’t say that I wasn’t scared before I left, though. If I’m being totally honest, despite working a pretty social job, I am not always the most outgoing person, so I definitely tried to mentally prepare myself to feel lonely at times. However, when I actually did my first solo trip outside of the country back in May, there was not a single moment I felt lonely. This is not to say that you will have the exact same experience or that loneliness is something we should try to avoid. I met so many incredible people from all walks of life, and it expanded my worldview in ways that made me wake up to the endless opportunities that life has to offer. Nonetheless, even when I was alone at certain points, that experience better taught me how to enjoy my own company. At the end of the day, friendships fade, people move away, and your values and goals change, but you are the most consistent thing in your life. When you start to view solitude as a form of self-care and an opportunity to get to know yourself, rather than something you are subjected to, there’s SO much space for personal growth. Developing a good relationship with solitude is not an argument against community; I firmly believe that it ends up making our relationships with others healthier.
How? Through showing up as a more confident version of yourself!
Solo travel has undoubtedly made me a more confident person, but don’t just take my word for it.
Sometimes when we talk about confidence, we consider it a personality trait: either you are a confident person or you aren’t. But really, confidence is something that can be accumulated through experience. Our workshops are proof of that! We don’t attend them because we already know everything, we make an effort to put ourselves into situations where we can learn, practise, and challenge ourselves to change what we believe we are capable of, and in doing that, we become more confident.
Albert Bandura’s Theory of Self-Efficacy is useful here. Self-efficacy refers to the belief we have in our own ability to navigate a particular task or situation. Bandura emphasized that we can develop this belief through mastery experiences: actually facing challenges and successfully working through them. Every issue you encounter and every decision you must make on your own becomes evidence that you can rely on yourself. Navigating the aftermath of missing a flight (unfortunately speaking from experience), exploring an unfamiliar city, or introducing yourself to a stranger may seem insignificant individually. Together, though, they build a stronger sense of trust in yourself and your own judgement.
Another theory worth noting is Self-Expansion Theory, which holds that people are motivated to expand their sense of self by seeking novelty and challenge and gaining new knowledge and perspectives. Of course, you can also achieve these things alongside another person, and I do love travelling with friends, but I found that the unique aspects of travelling solo bring about different opportunities and challenges!
So what do I find unique about solo travelling? Firstly, you have complete freedom and flexibility in your schedule. This can seem intimidating at first, I get it. I can admittedly be pretty indecisive, so not having someone there to coordinate with was both freeing and intimidating. However, this ended up being one of my favourite things about travelling on my own. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want, without having anyone influence your decisions, and without having to make any compromises. Not that having someone influencing your decisions is always a bad thing, because I know I ask my friends for their opinions a lot! Rather, this gives you opportunities to explore parts of yourself that familiar environments may have never required you to explore.
Arguably my favourite part about solo travelling was my ability to meet new people. I met so many people from different walks of life and backgrounds, with different personalities and perspectives. This helped me become more open-minded and understanding of the fact that the life you lead is not the only potential life you can lead. While I met some amazing people while travelling with my friend a few years back, I do find that you are more approachable when travelling solo, because travelling with a friend almost makes you come off as a closed unit. A lot of really cool people travelling solo are more likely to start conversations with other solo travellers! I did a mix of hostels and hotels this time around, but I still met and spent time with people in every place I visited. There’s something that feels different about meeting people in foreign environments, because the connections formed happen without the pressure of social performance that may arise when meeting people in our familiar environments. You are not trying to impress anyone on behalf of your professional identity, or a group you have mutuals with. You are just talking to another person, in an unfamiliar environment, which I found created space for a level of openness and authenticity that felt really refreshing.
A Few Tips & Tricks
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A great way to find cheap flights and compare options as it provides you with a variety of different airlines through one search engine.
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I use HostelWorld to read reviews about the hostels I would like to go to, and then I book directly on their websites to save some money. A benefit of HostelWorld, is that it gives you access to a communication platform to connect with other travellers.. I do find that I never actually end up using this feature, because there are generally ample opportunities to meet people naturally.
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If a payment terminal gives you the option to pay in CAD or the local currency, it is generally better for you to choose the local currency. When you choose Canadian dollars, you accept the merchant’s exchange rate (Dynamic Currency Conversion), which often comes with additional fees or a less desirable exchange rate. This is one of those things I wish someone had told me sooner!
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In the months leading up to my trip, I planned out every detail of what I was going to be doing abroad. While it’s good to have a general idea, don’t be scared to change up your itinerary based on how you’re feeling. Don’t feel guilty if you need a day to stay in your room. Being able to recharge and regroup for the rest of your trip is really important. Doing something for the sake of crossing it off your itinerary is counterproductive!
If you have any questions about my experiences travelling, need some advice or maybe even some reassurance, please feel free to shoot me a message on Instagram (@carolhabashy). I would love to connect!